With a June 17th birthday, I occasionally share my day with all the fathers in the world. As a small child I thought this was great fun, but as years progressed my enthusiasm waned and eventually became contempt.
I had an okay, dad. I know it could have been worse. I'll skip all the details to keep it light but let's just say my dad was a very unhappy man. He hid his shortcomings from others, but let them out on his family. He was that guy who was bigger than life, charismatic and funny, a leader to the outside world but at home he was a tyrrant, controlling and an alchoholic.
So it is not surprising that from very early in life, all I ever wanted was to be married, and have lots of babies. At the time I had no way of knowing that I wanted to fix my past and find a replacement father.
When I was husband hunting, much to my chagrin, I kept dating guys just like my dad. I was drawn to guys who were funny, charismatic, cool.
Over and over again, I would find that my boyfriends were controlling, uninterested in having a family or had an addiction. I have to say the addiction part always puzzled me. I was the good girl type and never understood why I kept finding guys that did drugs or drank too much. Why did they pick me?
When I was 22 I met, my "Last Straw". He really had it together, educated, job, older, a grown-up. Six months into our relationship we had a discussion about our future dreams. Ours didn't match. He never wanted to marry and never wanted a family....What? I asked him, then just what were we doing for the last six months? He said, "Having fun". I was stunned AGAIN...
On that day, I made a list.
In a spiral notebook I wrote down everything that was important to me in a husband. A checklist. No compromises. Then I wrote a promise to myself. That I would not seriously date anyone ever again, unless they filled all the qualities on my list. I was prepared for a very LONG wait to find my perfect man.
I don't remember exactly everything that was on that list, but I know I realized that I didn't want the cool guy or the funny guy. I didn't want the 'Big Shot', I wanted a good man. Someone who didn't have to prove to the world that he was worth knowing. Someone I might have considered, nerdy. I wanted to find "The Perfect Nerd".... someone just like me.
Two weeks after I made that list, I was 'set-up' (another blog post) with Jim. I didn't really want to go out with him. I was sure that he wouldn't fit my requirements and we wouldn't be able to date.
On our second date I invited him in for some lemonade and my mom bombarded him with questions. (I was mortified) In that interview alone , I found out that he loved animals, was a Boy Scout, he loved camping and grew up in the Methodist church. He was also quite comfortable in his own skin and didn't think twice about the grilling my mom was giving him. When our cat Samson, who was afraid of all men, crawled into his lap, I think my mom was ready to marry him!
Within weeks I realized he was also, smart, kind, responsible, funny, hard-working and loyal to a fault, (not mention, addiction and smoke free) Eventually we talked about our goals and I found that he wanted to get married one day and have children. He said "That's the whole point in life, having a family." I fell in love that day... I had found "The Perfect Nerd"
On June 16th 1996, Chris was 6 months old. I celebrated Father's Day for the first time with a sense of joy. Father's Day would no longer be a day I remembered a man who starved me of love. It would be a day to honor my husband, my child's father. An amazing father, a man of integrity and unconditional love. It is about overcoming the past. It is about survival. It is about love.
Sharing my birthday with the man of my dreams, the love of my life, sounds just fine to me.
I had an okay, dad. I know it could have been worse. I'll skip all the details to keep it light but let's just say my dad was a very unhappy man. He hid his shortcomings from others, but let them out on his family. He was that guy who was bigger than life, charismatic and funny, a leader to the outside world but at home he was a tyrrant, controlling and an alchoholic.
So it is not surprising that from very early in life, all I ever wanted was to be married, and have lots of babies. At the time I had no way of knowing that I wanted to fix my past and find a replacement father.
When I was husband hunting, much to my chagrin, I kept dating guys just like my dad. I was drawn to guys who were funny, charismatic, cool.
Over and over again, I would find that my boyfriends were controlling, uninterested in having a family or had an addiction. I have to say the addiction part always puzzled me. I was the good girl type and never understood why I kept finding guys that did drugs or drank too much. Why did they pick me?
When I was 22 I met, my "Last Straw". He really had it together, educated, job, older, a grown-up. Six months into our relationship we had a discussion about our future dreams. Ours didn't match. He never wanted to marry and never wanted a family....What? I asked him, then just what were we doing for the last six months? He said, "Having fun". I was stunned AGAIN...
On that day, I made a list.
In a spiral notebook I wrote down everything that was important to me in a husband. A checklist. No compromises. Then I wrote a promise to myself. That I would not seriously date anyone ever again, unless they filled all the qualities on my list. I was prepared for a very LONG wait to find my perfect man.
I don't remember exactly everything that was on that list, but I know I realized that I didn't want the cool guy or the funny guy. I didn't want the 'Big Shot', I wanted a good man. Someone who didn't have to prove to the world that he was worth knowing. Someone I might have considered, nerdy. I wanted to find "The Perfect Nerd".... someone just like me.
Two weeks after I made that list, I was 'set-up' (another blog post) with Jim. I didn't really want to go out with him. I was sure that he wouldn't fit my requirements and we wouldn't be able to date.
On our second date I invited him in for some lemonade and my mom bombarded him with questions. (I was mortified) In that interview alone , I found out that he loved animals, was a Boy Scout, he loved camping and grew up in the Methodist church. He was also quite comfortable in his own skin and didn't think twice about the grilling my mom was giving him. When our cat Samson, who was afraid of all men, crawled into his lap, I think my mom was ready to marry him!
Within weeks I realized he was also, smart, kind, responsible, funny, hard-working and loyal to a fault, (not mention, addiction and smoke free) Eventually we talked about our goals and I found that he wanted to get married one day and have children. He said "That's the whole point in life, having a family." I fell in love that day... I had found "The Perfect Nerd"
On June 16th 1996, Chris was 6 months old. I celebrated Father's Day for the first time with a sense of joy. Father's Day would no longer be a day I remembered a man who starved me of love. It would be a day to honor my husband, my child's father. An amazing father, a man of integrity and unconditional love. It is about overcoming the past. It is about survival. It is about love.
Sharing my birthday with the man of my dreams, the love of my life, sounds just fine to me.
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